You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick -- not wounded -- dead.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

I'm astounded by people who want to know the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Sex without love is very empty, and as empty things go, it is one of the best.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?