The funny thing about driving your car off a cliff, I bet you're still hitting those brakes.

Think about world peace; while you're doing that I'll be over here stealing your stuff.

If you're ever on fire, I think it's best not to look in a mirror, because that will really get you in a panic.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Too bad you can't get a voodoo globe and make the world spin around really fast and freak everyone out.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes, that way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Once I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came across a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them.

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger.

Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops.

Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

I once met an assassin who's nickname was fart. I ask him why he has this nickname and he tells me it's because he's silent but deadly.

The only thing that makes me believe in UFOs is that, sometimes I lose stuff.

Ambition is like a venus fly trap. If a frog were to sit on it, the fly trap could bite and bite but it wouldn't hurt the frog because it only has tiny little plant teeth. Then some other stuff could happen and that would be like ambition.

I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe.

If you are ever skydiving, and your parachute fails, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a good gag would be to pretend you're swimming.

Most people don't realize that two large pieces of coral painted brown and attached to the skull with common wood screws can make a child look like a deer.