The governor of Texas, who, when asked if the Bible should also be taught in Spanish, replied that 'if English was good enough for Jesus, then it's good enough for me.

In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag.

Microsoft has had two goals in the last 10 years. One was to copy the Mac, and the other was to copy Lotus' success in the spreadsheet - basically, the applications business. And over the course of the last 10 years, Microsoft accomplished both of those goals. And now they are completely lost.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

If a beard were a sign of wisdom, the he-goat would be the wisest.

If all fools could fly, the sun would be eclipsed forever

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Humor is reason gone mad.

If everything isn't black and white, I say, 'Why the hell not?'

I speak two languages, Body and English.

I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

I believe that it's better to be looked over than it is to be overlooked.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I am invariably late for appointments - sometimes as much as two hours. I've tried to change my ways but the things that make me late are too strong, and too pleasing.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but never gets you anywhere.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

A women who doesn't wear perfume has no future.

As long as you know men are like children, you know everything!

Abstract Art: A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered.

Solved riddles look easy.

If nobody spoke unless he had something to say, the human race would very soon lose the use of speech.

I'm at the age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.

He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.

History is mostly guessing; the rest is prejudice.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.

It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely

My first job is to say thank you to those who voted me. Those who didn't, I'm going to get your vote next time.

I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse.

Tomorrow is only found in the calendar of fools.

There is an immeasurable distance between late and too late.

My definition of an educated man is the fellow who knows the right thing to do at the time it has to be done. You can be sincere and still be stupid.

An inventor is simply a fellow who doesn't take his education too seriously.

When things get too heavy, just call me helium, the lightest known gas to man.

Macho does not prove mucho.

I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

Everything you need for better future and success has already been written. And guess what? All you have to do is go to the library.